INDISPUTABLE TRUTHS BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
 1. Elvis is dead.
 2. Having your children cuss you out in public is not okay.
 3. Jesus was not White.
 4. Skinny does not equal sexy.
 5. A 5 year-old child is too big for a stroller.
 6. N'Sync will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
 7. Thomas Jefferson had Black children.
 8. An occasional ass-whooping helps a child stay in line.
 9. Kissing your pet is NOT cute.
 10.Rap music is here to stay.

INDISPUTABLE TRUTHS WHITE PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
 1. Tupac is dead.
 2. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
 3. Having a ring on every finger is too much.
 4. O.J. did it!
 5. Teeth should not be decorated.
 6. Breaks are usually only 15 minutes.
 7. Jesse Jackson will never be President (nor Al Sharpton.)
 8. RED is not a Kool-Aid flavor (it's a color).
 9. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.
 10.Your Pastor doesn't know everything.

 10 THINGS WHITE AND BLACK PEOPLE KNOW BUT SPANISH PEOPLE DON'T:
 1. Chicken is a food, not a roommate.
 2. Having more than 3 or 4 children is not usually a good thing.
 3. Your country's flag is not a car decoration.
 4. Open windows are supposed to have screens.
 5. Hickeys are unattractive.
 6. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement.
 7. Ten (10) people to a car or home is considered too many.
 8. Jesus is not a suitable name for your son.
 9. Letting your children run wild through the store can get your ass
 (or theirs) whooped.
 10.Spandex is not meant for those over 200 lbs.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

********************************************************
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior submitted to
Wal-Mart in Arkansas . . .  and they hired him because he was so honest
 and funny!

 NAME: George Martin

 SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).

 DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously,
 whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be 
 applying here in the first place.

 DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style 
 severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

 EDUCATION: Yes.

 LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

 SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

 MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
 post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

 HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

 PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

 DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more
 intimate environment.

 MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

 DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU
 FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.?: Of what?

 DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be
 "Do you have a car that runs?"

 HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may
 already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

 DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks no.

 WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas
 with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the
 greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST 
OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

 SIGN HERE: Sagittarius

*************************************************************

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do
these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're
dead."
 

*************************************************************

Subject: Blondes /computers - - just don't mix

 A blonde girl enters a fabric store to buy curtains. She tells the
 salesman:  "I would like to buy a pink curtain the same size as my
 computer screen".  The surprised salesman replies:  "But, madam, computers
 do not need curtains"! . . .  And the blonde says:  "Helloooo . . . I've
 got Windows"! ! ! 
 

*************************************************************

 One day my  housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
 Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What
 setting do I use on the  washing machine?" It depends," I replied. "What
 does it say on your shirt?" He  yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
 And they say blondes are dumb... 

*************************************************************

 A couple is lying in bed. The man says,  "I am going to make you the
 happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll  miss you." 

*************************************************************

 "It's just too hot to wear  clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out
 of the shower, "honey, what do you  think the neighbors would think if I
 mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I  married you for your money,"
 she replied. 

*************************************************************

 He said - Since I first laid eyes on  you, I've wanted to make love to
 you really badly. She said - Well, you  succeeded. 

*************************************************************

 He said - What have you been doing with  all the grocery money I gave
 you? She said - Turn sideways and look in the  mirror 

*************************************************************

 Q:   What do you call an  intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: 
 A rumor 

*************************************************************

  A man and his wife, now in their  60's, were celebrating their 40th
 wedding anniversary. On their special day a  good fairy came to them and
 said that because they had been such a devoted  couple she would grant
 each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a  trip around the
 world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise
 tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30  years
 younger....... Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!!    Gotta love
 that fairy! 

*************************************************************

 A middle-aged guy treated himself to a brand new Ford T-Bird convertible
 and headed for the open road.  Soon, he was cruising along at 90 mph
 enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. 

 "Wow, this is great!" he thought.  But then he looked in his rearview
 mirror and noticed that there was a state trooper behind him, blue lights
 flashing and siren blasting. 

 "I can get away from him with no problem," thought the guy as he floored
 the gas and flew down the road at over 120 mph.  Then he thought to
 himself,  "What the hell am I doing?  I'm too old for this kind of
 thing." He pulled over to  the side of the road and waited for the state
 trooper to catch up with him. 

 A few moments later the trooper pulled in behind the T-Bird and walked up
 to the man. 

 "Sir," he said looking at his watch, "my shift ends in 30 minutes.  If
 you can give me a reason why you were speeding - one that I've never
 heard before - I'll let you go." 

 The man looked up at the trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off
 with a state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back." 

 To which the trooper replied, "Have a nice day."

*************************************************************
 A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced
 up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she
 was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, She took the seat
 right beside his.

 Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or
 vacation?"

 She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
 Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago"

 He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
 sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs.

 Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
 business role at this convention?"

 "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the
 popular myths about sexuality."

 "Really! " he said, "what myths are those?"

 "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that American men are the most
 well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most
 likely to possess that trait.

 Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually
 it is the men of Jewish descent.

 We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is
 the Southern redneck."

 Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm
 sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't
 even know your name."

 "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

*************************************************************

 A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed.They couldn't
 do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk
 home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a
 bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store / livestock dealerand
 picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a
 problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

  The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the
  bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in
  your other hand?"

 "Hey, thanks", the biker said, and out the door he went.

 But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told
 him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to1603
 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at
 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
 We'll be there in no time."

 The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a
 lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we
 get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my
 skirt, and ravish me?"

 The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two
 chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up
 against the wall and do that?"

 The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the
 anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

*************************************************************

"You know the world is going crazy when the best
  rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,
  the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,
  the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing
  the US of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to
  war, and the 3 most powerful men in America are named
  'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.'
 

*************************************************************

While walking down the street one day, a female senator is tragically
hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St.
Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter.. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

 "No problem, just let me in," says the woman.

 "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
 have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose
 where to spend eternity."

 "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the
 senator. "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter
 escorts her to the elevator. and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The
 doors open, and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course.
 In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her
 friends and other politicians who had worked with her. Everyone is very
 happy and in evening dress.

 They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they
 had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly
 game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the
 Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing
 and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is
time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator
rises. The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens on Heaven
where St.Peter is waiting for her.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of
state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud,
playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she
realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now,
choose the place where you want to spend eternity."

She reflects for a minute and then answers: "Well, I would never have
said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be
better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator, and she goes down, down,
down to Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and she is in the
middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her
friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black
bags. And it's hot, hot, hot. Sweltering hot. Hot and miserable.
The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck.

 "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here, and
 there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and
 danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of
 garbage, and my friends look miserable."

The Devil looks at her, smiles and says,"Yesterday we were campaigning.
 .. .. .. . . today you voted for us."
 

*************************************************************

************************************************************
Dog for sale cheap

 In Tennessee, a guy sees a sign in front of a house, "Talking Dog
 for Sale." He rings the door bell and the owner answers and tells him
 the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes around to the backyard and sees a black mutt just
 sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies.
 "So what's your story?" the guy asks.

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I
wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my  gift, and in no
time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies 
and world leaders because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. 
I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. 

The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any 
younger and I wanted to settle down.  So, I signed up for a job at the airport 
to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in.  I uncovered some incredible dealings there 
and was awarded a batch of medals.  I had a wife and a mess of puppies 
and now I am just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back to the owner and asks him what he
wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing.  Why on earth are you selling so
cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar, He didn't do any of that shit."

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